The Hair
by Star Opal
Summary: What would happen if Sage's water, gravity, and Evil Dynasty resistant hair came to life?


A Note From the Author: I don't claim to own Ronin Warriors, The Blob, or any other characters or spoofs in this fic that didn't come from my own lil' mind. I thank Krim for the idea of how to begin the story and Keila for proof reading and confidence boosting. And no I don't think making fun of bald people is funny, but making fun of a bald Sage is. That said on with the fic.   
  


  
  
In a third world country, which will remain nameless, a dark figure, who we'll call 'Steve', is waiting for someone. Another person with wild hair approaches, "Hi 'Steve'."   
"Ah Sage, my best client, I have those items you asked for." They exchange money and three crates of illegal hair products. Then 'Steve' pulls out a bottle, "Sage this is my newest product, a leave-in conditioner."   
"I don't think so, I'm into sprays and gels."   
"Yes, but this is a special conditioner, guaranteed to do great things to your hair." Sage thinks about it a moment. "How about I give you the first bottle for free?" Sage accepts the bottle and the transaction is complete. Unfortunately for Sage this new conditioner   
has some odd ingredients which produce, um, side effects.   
  
:Time lapse:   
  
Now back in Toyama, Sage is getting ready for bed. He brushes his teeth, combs his hair, and puts it in rag curls (one of his hair secrets). Tonight he adds to his routine the putting on of his new leave-in conditioner, and goes to bed. But he doesn't realize that as he sleeps, his hair is glowing and growing.   
The next morning Sage gets up and goes to brush his hair. When he looks in the mirror he sees that his hair is moving on its own and is quite a bit larger. As he touches it in shock, the hair makes some weird noises and, to Sage's horror, jumps off his head. Sage in return runs out of the bathroom screaming.   
Ryo and Yuli are talking when suddenly a screaming and bald Sage runs past them. They do a double take, "Ryo, was Sage bald?"   
"I think so Yuli. I wonder what he was running from." Just then the spiky mass of hair, comes down the hall and promptly eats Yuli (Readers cheer). Ryo copies Sage and runs down the hall screaming.   
In the process of running for dear life Ryo runs into Mia. "Ryo, what the heck is going on? Sage just came running by here with no hair, and everyone's screaming!"   
"Mia I'll explain it later, but right now we got to get out of here." He grabs her arm, and she shakes him off,   
"I'm not going anywhere till you tell me what's going on!"   
Ryo looks at her beggingly, but she shoots back 'the Look'.   
"Sage's hair has come to life and ate Yuli!"   
"What! It ate Yuli!"   
With a sweeping sound the hair comes round the corner. Mia walks up to it with one hand on her hip and the other pointing at it, "Now I don't know who you think you are, but you better cough up Yuli right now!" The follicle fury is actually stopped for a moment, but a lock lashes out and grabs Mia's arm.   
Cye suddenly comes at it with a frying pan, *bang, bong, bang *, at which point it lets go of Mia and takes the pan. All scream, "Ahh!" and run.   
They run to the kitchen and lock the door behind them. In the kitchen are Kento, Rowen, and Sage. Sage is sitting in the corner crying, and touching his shiny melon.   
"Ryo, what are we going to do?"   
"I don't know Cye."   
"I say we fight it!"   
"You would Kento!"   
"You trying to say something Rowen!"   
"Maybe I am!"   
"Stop fighting!"   
Kento and Rowen look at the floor, "Yes Mia."   
"What we need is a plan." Sage chokes out from his corner.   
Before they can think of anything strand, by strand, the Hair begins to come under the door. "We're all gonna die!"   
"Get a grip Cye!" *smack *  
"Thanks Rowen, I needed that."   
"Quick, lets go up the stairs!"   
"Great idea!" So in a classic horror movie bad move, they run up the stairs.   
Cye, who is bringing up the end, trips and falls. Kento starts to go back for his fallen friend, "Cye!"   
Ryo grabs Kento, "He's gone man!"   
We hear Cye scream and then the Hair lets out a burp, "Urp."   
"Nooooooo, you'll pay!"   
Ryo starts dragging Kento up the stairs, "Move, move, move!"   
When they get to the top of the stairs the Hair is right behind them. Suddenly groovy 70's music begins to play. "Where's that music coming from!"   
"I don't know Sage! Zoiks!"   
"Where the hell did that come from, Kento?"   
"I don't know!"   
They keep running in and out of rooms, back and forth through the hall, sometimes coming out of rooms they didn't go in, all the time being chased by the renegade due.   
Mia and the four remaining Ronins can't stop doing this chase scene, will it end, who will stop it. (No one ahahahahaha, Ack! [The sound of someone falling out of a chair is heard]) The author has had a heart attack and the pointless chase scene ends and the fic  
can continue. 

They regroup and run to the end of the hall and are cornered.   
"Mia...."   
"Yes Ryo?"   
"I have something to tell you."   
"What's that?"   
"I-I-I've been secretly wearing your underwear."   
"What!"   
"They just feel so nice." Mia and the other Ronins stare at him.   
The Hair came closer, and closer, they could smell the shampoo Sage used, it was so close. "I can't die like this! So young so hungry."   
"Shut up Kento!"   
"Oh yeah, star boy!"   
It looked as though all was lost, when the bathroom door swung open and a most surprising figure stood there. There with light streaming behind him, a rifle in one hand, wearing a leather jacket, and his trademark hat, was the presumed dead Ancient. "The party's over."   
The maniacal hair turned around and came at the Ancient, at which time he unholstered some industrial strength Aqua Net. A cloud of spray filled the halls and when it cleared it could be seen that the Hair was shrinking back to its original size, and dying.   
All except Sage cheered, "Yay!"   
Sage went over to the now normal sized hair and cradled it in his arms, "Please forgive me. It's my fault that you met such an end."   
The blonde spikes just groaned a little, it was really quite sad. (The author gets misty eyed)   
Then a dimensional warp opened up and Sailor Moon fell through with a thud, "Ow! That hurt!"   
"Sailor Moon oh gods no!" Rowen screamed as she began to wail.   
Mia asked the question that everyone had on their minds, "What are you doing here?"   
With wiggly anime eyes she spoke, "Well," She sniffled,_ "_I'm here to heal Sage's hair with my nifty crystal."   
All, "Ooooohhhhhhhhh."   
So she went into her little dance routine, "Moon Crystal Healing." Some music played and a pink light surrounded Sage's hair, but instead of being healed it lit on fire and it with an audible poof it was no more. Sage sat there sifting the ashes, and making whimpering sounds.   
Sailor Moon looked around uneasy as the portal opened again, "Oops I hate it when that happens. Have to talk to Luna about that, sorry." She jumped into the portal and disappeared.   
"Rowen, I'm sorry for yelling at you, you forgive me?"   
"Hey it's okay."   
"Oh Cye, if I had just one wish it be that you were able to come back."   
Ryo walked up next Kento; "We all feel that way Kento."   
As these words were said, a white light ,that was so bright it blinded everyone, shone. Heavenly music played and a voice said, "Your wish is granted." Yelling was heard and it was getting closer, when Cye fell from the light.   
"Cye!" Everyone cheered. (You didn't think I'd hurt lil' fish did you?)   
The Ancient went over and placed a hand on the cue ball headed Sage's shoulder, "Don't worry I have the number of a toupee guy in the states." After giving Sage the number the Ancient walked through the door he came in and with the sound of a toilet flush, he was   
gone.   
It was quiet for some time when Ryo broke the silence, "That was weird. So what do you guys want to do now, Mia?"   
"I don't know. How 'bout you Rowen?"   
"I don't know. What do you want to do Cye?"   
"Tea?"   
"Perfect." So they all went downstairs.   
  
:1 year later:   
  
"….Now let's hear from some of our satisfied customers."   
We see Sage in a bad helmet style wig that is dirty blond in color. He is sitting in front of a forest, "About a year ago I lost all my hair in a freak accident and I thought my life was over. But then I came to the Wig Warehouse, and they gave me my confidence back. My wig looks so natural that no one ever knows."   
Just then a great wind blows off the rug. As he goes to pick it up a big squirrel grabs it and runs. 


End file.
